My son has turned 10 a few months ago, and the best way to find my role in relation to his growth is to understand that so far, they have been the best years of his life as a mother, and from now on begins a stage that will last as many years, and it would be the best of his life for him (later it is already known: more responsibilities, etc.)
It may seem inexplicable, but speaking with many parents with children of similar ages, they agree that it is after 10 (maybe 9) when they start cut the invisible loop that binds them closely to parents.
This also makes me think that (in reality) when the baby is born, he has already 'abandoned' his mother to surrender to the outside world. It is true that during the first years attachment is necessary, and that without the second, the first is physically and emotionally unprotected, but if we let them do they are conquering small territories of personal autonomy. And even knowing it (which is no longer in us), we live a few years 'deceived' by an illusion: that of the little boy clinging to our protective lap
Anyway, this introduction helps me to talk a little about family relationships when children are pre-teens, and to remember that they still need us (agree: otherwise). Also in this need for attachment something curious happens: it happens that sometimes just before 'take off' when adolescence arrives, they require a lot of attention to reaffirm their identity.
Our preteen is the same baby that was born years ago
And also the boy we have seen running around naked on the beach because he didn't want a swimsuit, and the one who enjoyed when we read him every night, also the one who didn't question just anything about what mom or dad did / said. I want to say with this that don't get defensive because he faces you, or because it is systematically opposed. I think it baffles us because we don't trust its capabilities, and (why deny it?) Also because we are not prepared for its independence.
Because yes, from very young we have admired their achievements, and sometimes we have even pushed them to be more autonomous, even without being prepared (eat alone, maybe sleep too, to do their homework alone ...) but the autonomy that a preteen looks for is real, although it takes a few years to get it.
And being prepared to take the step includes facing the norms imposed by the family or society (didn't it happen to you when you were teenagers? It did happen to me). And also includes learning to take care of yourself, even if they have to learn it by exposing themselves to risky behaviors.
Let's put ourselves in his place: there are many changes in a few years, and not comparable in the changes that the baby goes through In the first two years. And they are changes that will end up in a physically trained person, with certain values and a clear purpose in life.
This change of your teenage son does not make him a freak, nor the black sheep of the family, do not exaggerate
Relationships must be redefined
The time you used to spend accompanying school, you will need it to resolve conflicts and raise negotiations, also to rethink your role as a father or mother. Probably physical autonomy occurs before emotional, while the developing person will be exposed to other relationships, some sought and others not, that will intervene in their feelings. That is why we can allow them to travel alone, or to stay with their friends without being present, always understanding that they are still small and that the time limits will be more severe than in full adolescence.
Being always engaged in a dialectical battle is useless, when a limit must be imposed, it is done, when not ... both sides try to adapt. Everyone's needs may not match, but above all, do not disrespect.
On the other hand, it is well that I now introduce the issue of family rituals and cohesion. The first ones give us security (the visit to the grandparents on Thursday, the family outing on Sunday), what happens is that it will come at an age when our children will find it difficult to keep them (maybe around 14), and this should not bother us, always that family relationships remain within acceptable limits.
And cohesion ... better if the family is united, But at the cost of canceling personalities?, that is not healthy. If the preteen is able to recognize the role of his parents, and if he is able to make contributions to the relationship, for the good of all, but projecting his own way of being, part of the way is done; Maybe we should have sown before.
Communication: not just talk
For all of us it is easy to lecture, some even wait until that auspicious moment when the son or daughter will be available, and has little chance of leaving the stage. But sermons are boring (I don't say they aren't necessary), and the messages they receive from the environment are much more fun than dad or mom talking non-stop.
The definition of listen: 'pay attention to what you hear'. If you want them to think you are interested, listen more, and show interest in their interests, concerns or dreams.
What do we call active listening?
It doesn't matter so much what we call it but how we practice it, it is neither more nor less than what we would like them to do with us. In addition to what I have already said, tell you that we will also have to listen to things we don't like, but life is so imperfect! In this sense we don't always agree with something, we have to express our point of view.
What does not usually work are criticism, and judgments, because of course who likes to talk badly about their friends? Who do they despise their hobby? And the same thing happens when we underestimate them, we all have the right to feel and to be understood. It may be useful to express what we think they feel with words.
In Active Listening it is also important how the questions are formulated, when elaborating closed questions we lose the opportunity to obtain important information. So (for example) if instead of telling them, have you had a good time with your friends ?, we could resort to what makes you so happy with them?
A good family climate
Nobody likes to get home and have to fight, but we don't just talk about stability; why It also gives us peace of mind that they take on household skills, ideally by negotiation, but there can also be an equitable distribution by parents of tasks to be performed. And more:
The house belongs to everyone, and the child's room?
Surely in pre-adolescence they do not demand total privacy, but surely they need that space to isolate themselves, meditate, or because they believe they do not understand you. As long as it is not locked, there is no problem.
Unconditional love
It would be wrong for a mother or father to demand in exchange for love, or to blackmail, but it is also many times you must agree to have a 12-year-old child in your arms, or give up getting off the couch for five minutes because that little 'great' 10-year-old adventurer needs physical contact. Do not tell me that they do not give satisfaction these moments, do not reject it even when you are angry, because in a few years they will prefer to hug other people, it will not be that we later repent.
Unforgettable moments…
They are those in which we share a game with the console, or when we accept a run on the beach, it is ultimately about maintaining small routines, while letting them fly.
UPDATE: They are not so unforgettable, but they are very necessary, shared meals, even once a day, do not forget.
What is that of interest?
Not only go to the school meeting, or take him to the party; Above all it is to meet your friends, invite them to invade your home, also meet the parents of their friends, and get involved as much as possible in different activities. That the youth club needs parent volunteers to organize a party? there you will be; What is it about staying friends at one's house to sleep? Ask if you can bring breakfast.
You know: let them separate from you, and hold on again when they need it. Set limits and listen (a lot); Get involved and demand collaboration at home, love them, ... there are so many things that if you think I left something in the inkwell, you tell me, okay?
There are those who talk about early and second childhood, that children become preteens, and even contribute theories based on seven-year cycles (very curious and perhaps one day I will tell you); but for me, The ten make a difference. And (ssssssssh) despite the feeling of loss, I am delighted with his determination, with his achievements, and with his vision of the world that - without a doubt - will broaden his horizons.
Images | hepingting, Quinn Dombrowski, Wendy In Peques and More | The identity of pre-adolescent children: the moment when the opinion of friends competes with family education, can adolescents be educated? Preparing families for the change to Secondary
