Between insolent, witty and fun and some quite cheeky, a mixture of sensations has produced this list that aims to train future parents in the arduous task of bringing a child into the world ...
To take these tips for women and men with humor, how to dress or feed the child ... and for not put into practice! Because the kids are not cats, or octopus, melons, or goats, and many of the proposals are very very exaggerated topics that we know are not as dramatic as we are painted ... The author is about to be a father, good luck in the path!
1- For women proposes to train for pregnancy tying a sack of chickpeas to the gut, leave it there for 9 months and then open the bag and remove 10% of the chickpeas. The rest distribute it throughout the body.
Care must be taken so that this does not happen like this! Nothing to eat for 2 or neglect exercise before and after delivery. And what about the kicks and turns that the chickpeas will never give ...
2- For the man and / or woman: preparation for psycho-economic impact It consists of going down to the pharmacy, emptying the contents of the wallet at the counter and telling the pharmacist to serve himself. Then go to the supermarket and domicile the payroll there. Go back home and read the newspaper for the last time.
I already told you that this newspaper had not been so true in my case ...
3- Dressing the child: To practice, buy an octopus and a net bag. Try to place the octopus inside the bag so that none of the tentacles come out through the holes in the net. Time allowed for the test ... all morning.
Why is not it so difficult? A few days of practice nothing more ...
4- Before having children: look for a partner who already has them and criticize them for their methods of imposing discipline, their lack of patience, their lousy tolerance levels and for having allowed their children to behave like savages. Suggest ways to improve your children's behavior at bedtime, ask for pee or eat. And take advantage because it will be the last time you will have all the answers.
This sounds a lot to me, and from the 2 parts! Advice given without knowing, children without instructions, opinions that get into your life ... With babies you cannot be a futurologist!
5- Simulating the impact of your future children at home: spread cocoa cream on the couch and jam on the curtains. Hide a piece of battered fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Put your fingers in the pots and then drag them through the cleaner walls. Draw on the spots with colored pencils. Do you like the result?
Mmmmm ... tell me it's not like that!
6- Night training. This one is long ... Take a fat cat (between 4 and 6 kilos), preferable to be in heat. Go around your room from one place to another with the animal in your arms, without sitting from 5 in the afternoon until 10 at night. At 10 let go of the cat, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and go around the room with the bug in your arms until 1:00 in the morning. Set the alarm for 3:00. As you will not be able to fall asleep, get up at 2:00 and prepare something to eat (or a drink). Lie down at 2:45. Get up when the alarm sounds, that is, at 3:00. Sing nannies in the dark until 4:00 and change the alarm clock to play at 5. Get up. Make breakfast Follow this routine for 5 years. Always put on a good face. He is supposed to be your son.
Patience and much love. With our baby in arms it becomes easier. The good face is sometimes difficult because of dark circles, but no doubt the little one will know how to capture our love. It can also happen that the baby is very calm and does not make a fuss and falls asleep easily once he has eaten or calmed down with our presence. From what I know, the 5 years must be very isolated cases.
7- Preparing the car. Buy a chocolate ice cream and put it in the glove compartment of your new minivan. Leave it there. Open the trunk and take a picture. It will serve to guide you in the future to reach the spare wheel through toys, clothes, stroller ... Finally, take a package of family-sized cookies and mash them against the back seats. Perfect, you've already left the car ready!
This is the mobile version of the house (point 5), and judging by the cars of some friends it should look quite like reality ...
8- Shopping at the supermarket. Take the closest thing to a child under four years old that you can find (an adult goat is ideal). If you plan to have more than one child, take two goats. Make the purchase for a week without losing sight of the goats. Pay everything the goats have eaten or shattered. Repeat it several times until you can do it easily.
The closest thing to a child a goat? Mmmmm ... it seems that we are in Supernanny with lost cases!
9- Lunch time. Cup a melon. Make a small hole in one side. Hang it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now take a bowl of porridge. Try putting spoonfuls of porridge inside the melon pretending you are a plane. Keep trying until you finish half of the porridge, pour the other half on your lap making sure it falls a lot on the floor. Now you are ready to feed a 12 month old child.
If the child is hungry and likes porridge ... we'll see if he shakes his head so much or if he leaves his mouth wide open waiting for the spoon! Now, I have also had to do with the fruit porridge ...
10.- Training home departures. Wait at the bathroom door for half an hour. Exit for the street door. Come back in Come out again. Come back in Come out again. Down the road again. Walk down the street very slowly for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect in detail each skinny cigarette, gum thrown, used kleenex or dead bug you find on the sidewalk. Go back. Shout that you are fed up until the neighbors come to look at you. Repeat it five times. Give up and go home. Now you are more or less prepared to take a small child for a walk.
No way! If they enjoy it the most and they will be able to become hasty obedient little angels just to leave soon ...
