When a couple has a child, there are many relatives who immediately have a new “position”. The couple becomes "dad" and "mom", the child becomes "son", the brothers and sisters of dad and mom are "uncles" and "aunts" and the parents of dad and mom are the "grandparents "And the" grandmothers. "
Many of them celebrate the new family title with joy by giving things to the born baby and / or the couple, wishing them the best and sometimes even offering in case they are needed for something. This is done, especially by grandparents (and especially grandmothers), who do not take long to make their services available in case they can act as grandmothers in any way.
So far, everything is correct, however, on some occasions, grandparents, also acting as parents (that is, feeling with the power that having brought your child to the world), they get too intrusive in what the parents do or stop doing with their child, creating a discomfort in which the baby's parents do not know very well how to react, since they are still children and, in many occasions, acting as such (letting their parents exercise the power they have always had to be parents).
Tips I never asked for
If I have learned anything since I was a father, it is that the advice is given when someone asks you and that, once you have given them, the person does with that information what he thinks best.
As I am not a person to tell people what I think they have to do with their children, I hope that others are equally respectful to me and that they offer me their advice only when I ask for them or, at most, to do so in a way Respectful (something like "sorry to intrude me", "it is not my intention to disturb" or similar entradillas that show that the person does not mean what you have to do, but suggest what you could do, which is very different).
Grandparents, for the confidence they have, are usually more given advice even when no one has asked for their opinion. If you also raise your child in a different way than they did with you (being very authoritarian when they were not so much, or being more permissive than they were) the controversy is served because they will believe that you do not know or that You are not able to educate your child and they will get into the matter to prevent it from being too late.
And know, what is said to know, none know. We do what we believe is best at all times. So, if we are right, we are right and if we are wrong, we are wrong. Surely our parents made many mistakes with us and surely they tried to amend them. We must do the same and err to amend and learn and make mistakes on the way to retrace the path and take a new path.
But it is no longer just the fact of allowing ourselves to err, but also the fact that the parents of a child are the ones who must make the decisions, which must be respected by the grandparents, even if they disagree. “You take it too much in your arms”, “nothing happens because you let him cry”, “with so much tit he will spoil”, “he should go to the nursery to be with other children”, “he is too old to wear a diaper” or "does not want to be with me because you have had too much with you" are some of the phrases that many parents have to hear from our parents and, although most likely there is a good intention (surely in 99.9% of the occasions), they usually cause debate between the couple, clashes with grandparents, doubts and discomfort because, as I say, “the deck is mine, in my house we play like this and it bothers me that you tell me how to play with it”.
Derogatory comments
When the flow of comments and advice from the grandparents begins and they observe that they do not obtain results (nor does anyone tell them that they better not advise) they usually insist in a way It can be hurtful, as they sometimes focus their comments on the child.
To give an example, when a mother tells her daughter that she should not take the child too much in her arms and she does not pay much attention, the mother is left with the feeling of “my daughter ignores me, this child will end badly " Thus, when the child shows that he wants to be almost exclusively with mom, very normal behavior of children at certain ages, the grandmother can get to use that fact as an argument that brings credibility to her beliefs: “See? You've got him to be in love because he doesn't want to be with anyone else, "" you can't even piss, "" ma-má, ma-má, all day the same ... go, leave your mother alone for a while. "
Unexpected visits
Something that also happens in some families is that, when you have a child, grandparents show up at home "to see their grandson" without warning. Sometimes these visits may be appreciated, however, The most common is that, unexpectedly, they break the good family harmony.
That grandparents arrive when the child sleeps, or when the mother is breastfeeding lying in bed trying to recover some of the sleep lost during the night, or when she and her partner are trying to make some peace at home so that The baby is calm can (usually) be quite problematic. Harmony is broken, you must attend to the "guests", the baby tends to accumulate tensions that later returns to his parents late in the afternoon, the couple (be it mom or dad) may feel upset to receive the in-laws when he did not expect them and the consuegros may feel bad about not having been invited, adopting the same strategy of arriving without warning.
For all these reasons, the ideal in this case is to veto visits and create an imaginary agenda by appointment. It costs nothing to phone and ask "when is it better for us to see you". For the parents of the baby it is much less surprising and much easier if they have to say "better today, don't come".
Well, with you I did it this way and you have not gone so badly
It is possible that the grandparents, given the parents' refusal to follow their advice, feel rejected and even judged about the type of parenting they carried out with their children, now parents. If this happens, they usually defend themselves with the typical “because with you I did it handle and you have not gone so badly ”, which is not a bad argument, but that is not definitive either.
Luckily, you have to educate a child very badly so that the effects of such education can be appreciated in adulthood in an obvious way. Shortly after you put a little effort you will have a more or less healthy son emotionally speaking and able to adapt to the different situations of life. Some of you will be more sociable and others less, some will be considered weird, extravagant or different and others will be of the heap, but most will be accepted in society.
Since each person's style of education does not have to be related to the “how I want him to be older”, but to what one feels he should do for and for his son, it does not make much sense to talk about the results obtained. It is much more logical to talk about personal convictions, that is, "I did it that way because I thought I should do it that way."
I did the best I knew
Our parents raised us and educated in the best way they knew and could do it. Some with more success and others with less. For this reason they cannot be reproached for anything, because we current parents are doing the same with our children: educate them the best we know and we can (some with more success and others with less).
Those who feel insecure with the way they proceed, ask for advice and then decide what to do. Those who are clear on how to educate, who listen to the free advice and then decide what to do. In both cases, the decision will correspond to what they consider best, even if the advice received is not followed.
“Dad, mom, thanks for your advice, but Martín is our son and it is we who decide what we consider better or worse for his education. Do not be offended if we do not follow your advice or if we do not share your opinion. You had your chance with us and surely you did the best you could and knew, but now it is up to us to educate our son and the decisions we must make. ”
“By the way, we love that you come home to see us, but call before. Sometimes I like to walk naked at home and I don't feel like having to get dressed running because you're waiting for me to open you in the portal. ”
Photos | Jenny818, Landii
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