My oldest daughter has turned three years and three months, and like most children of that age, she has entered a stage in which the basis of my communication with her is the negotiation.
The parents of children who are around this age will have happened to see their children more mature and settled. Tantrums are no longer as frequent and by giving them an indication they remind you for the next time without having to repeat it all the time.
You can see that the child has become more collaborative, that he internalizes the rules and that in general he pays more attention (well, I have said sometimes). But of course, here comes into play the great art of negotiation with children.
Eye that negotiation does not mean bribery or blackmail in the style of "if you behave well I give you a candy", no. The negotiation basically consists in establishing an agreement between the two parties where there are no winners or losers.
It is not about imposing an authoritarian stance because we are the parents, but about achieving a conciliation, although of course, the guidelines are set by the parents who are the ones who have the responsibility to educate.
Nor should we forget that we are talking about young children, so we should not always be relentless, sometimes it is not bad that we give in, it does not mean that our son has won us or passed over.
When it comes to achieving that reconciliation there are certain recommendations that we must take into account so that the "bilateral relations" are satisfactory.
● Tone matters: There is no need to shout, communication has to occur in a calm and pleasant tone like that of any conversation.
● Give them options: Instead of imposing a task like "order your toys" to which they will surely respond in a bad way, replace it by offering the child two options to choose from, "what do you prefer, order the toys or pick up the markers?"
● Let me give you options: The negotiations are of two parts, so also let your child propose other options.
● How to ask the questions: one thing is to impose and the other to consult. It is not the same to say "to bathe" that "after finishing this we are going to bathe, okay?" It is more successful to do it in the form of a question by ending with a “okay?” Or an “okay?” So that your child feels more involved.
● Get ahead of the facts: For example, a good way is to warn you "remember that after reading the story you have to sleep" when we know that the part of the story they love but that of sleeping not so much. Highlight the positive part of a situation so that it also accepts the negative, or the one that pleases less.
● Find a meeting point: a typical situation: the boy is playing in the park and we say "we are leaving", he will want to stay twenty more minutes and you only five; agreement in 10 minutes. It works for me to show him the clock and tell him that when the big clock hand marks 10 minutes we will have to leave.
● Give explanations: "Why not" or "Because I say so" is not a conciliatory response. Remember that they are beginning to have more notion of things, so explaining our reasons and points of view we will get them to understand us better. It is not a matter of giving speeches, we must be concise and direct so that a child of three or four years understands us.
● Put ourselves in their place: Many times the key is to look at the situation from the point of view of a 3-year-old boy, who is very understandable that he does not like the Provencal language that you have served.
● Not having the easy "No": There are many ways to say no, even without saying it. What to do when the child wants to eat a candy as soon as he gets up? Instead of saying "no" we answer that you must have breakfast first and then you can eat it.
● Now, when we say "No" is no: Children need limits, I do not say it in the sense of authoritarianism, but the child wants parents to give them a reference of what is right and what is wrong. Being firm does not mean being authoritarian, it is called positive authority. Therefore, we must think about it before saying something not. If we say no but then it is yes, the child will continue to insist, but it is different when he knows that the “No” is not negotiable, just as it is important that he knows that not all situations are negotiable.
I hope that some of the advice I use with my girl to solve day-to-day situations help you, by the way ... how old are we, right ?!
